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The myth of the most devastating pain of all and how to fight it

Myths of pain abound and have been passed down from generation to generation as they become “the truth.” The result for most of those mourning the death of a loved one is that they suffer far more unnecessary suffering. These myths range from crying to being a sign of weakness and you need to be strong to go back to being your old self in a couple of months and not cry so much.

However, the myth with the most lasting and painful consequences is: you must let go and break all ties with the deceased. Adherents to this monster myth have generally been heavily influenced by those in their support group who have grown weary of the continual pain and repetition of the grieving process. Here are some important considerations for the inherent need to establish a new but different relationship with the deceased.

1. Historically, we have always drawn on the wisdom of the deceased for use in problem solving today and still do. We celebrate their lives, build buildings and monuments to honor them, and in some cases even preserve their heritage and the place where they once lived.

2. It is advisable to use the experiences and ideas of a deceased family member to make decisions and obtain information about a particular problem. This is intelligence in action. It does not mean that you should do what the deceased would do if you think it would not be appropriate. You are using a resource like any other resource in decision making,

3. A person dies but it is normal that the relationship never dies. That’s the way our memories work, and there’s good reason for it, as suggested above. So you don’t have to forget or get rid of any reminders (unless it brings you sadness). That goes against our own nature.

4. Each new relationship with the deceased will be different. Some will be stronger than others. Some will be more inspiring than others. Some will have very little interaction. The relationship is based on what is desired and ultimately on memories, legacies, and symbolic interaction.

5. There is clearly nothing pathological in establishing a new relationship with the deceased, as long as the bereaved dedicates himself to the normal task of accepting death, reinvesting in a new life and not basing his decisions on what the deceased would have wanted him to. be done. . No one should rule the life of a survivor. The survivor makes decisions about what they consider to be the way forward. You just don’t act like the deceased is here and alive like in your old world.

6. Therefore, it is okay to take some of the values, or favorite sayings, even the gestures of the loved one and adopt them as long as doing so is not regressive or detracts from continued personal growth.

7. Use whatever you want to belong to the deceased (clothes, jewelry, something your loved one made or bought for you) as a way to connect and remember memories. Or use a lit candle at special family celebrations, eat your favorite food or dessert, make a commemorative quilt, or even create a new tradition to honor your loved one.

In short, establishing a new relationship with your deceased loved one is normal and can enrich your life. Let your wishes and creativity be your guides. Decide what is best to remember and how you want to honor the deceased.

Stay away from places, people, or reminders that bring you sadness until you have more fully accepted death, both emotionally and intellectually. In the meantime, use the new relationship as inspiration to reinvest in the next chapter of your life.

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