Who doesn’t love a wedding? But with months and months of planning, it only lasts a short time, and then there’s the marriage. If history is a prologue, neither former first daughter Chelsea Clinton nor her boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky had great role models for marital bliss. And that’s without taking into account the religious problems: she was raised as a Christian and he as a Jew.

This much-hyped union is affirmation of America’s changing religious landscape. There has been a gradual increase in interfaith marriages in the last two decades and more than 30% of American households are now mixed. Despite changing attitudes, it is still not easy to make marriage work.

If you or someone you love has recently married, you know that marriage is a major change. Emotional reactions at times of transition are common and normal. And when making the necessary adjustments, some conflict is inevitable: all couples get angry and have arguments. The length of a marriage depends, in part, on how well you prepare for challenges. You will find that some of these tips may be helpful:

1. Keep your communications open and honest. Address misunderstandings before they turn into arguments. Do not resort to cheap shots or get sidetracked by pointing out questionable character traits. Practice active listening skills and send me-centered messages to make it clear that what you are saying is your own opinion.

2. Use cooperation and compromise. Be direct but flexible as you work through disagreements. Look at the problem from your partner’s perspective and practice empathy. Ask yourself if being right and winning the fight is more important than the success of your relationship.

3. Minimize emotional overload. Flooding is a physiological arousal that kicks in when tensions are high and communication stops. If you’re arguing, set a desired outcome and stick to the topic at hand. Try not to blame your partner or get defensive, and take some responsibility for what is happening.

4. Practice non-threatening behavior. Control any negative comments and be slow to criticize. Try to control your emotions because your body language and tone of voice make a difference. Count to 10 before reacting; if the conversation seems to escalate, walk away.

5. Agree on a time-out strategy. Before you say something you might later regret, decide to put some distance between you and the problem. Plan to come back to the conversation later and find a solution. And then take a break until you’re less upset and calm enough to listen without planning a fight.

6. Find a comfortable position, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Hold your breath for several seconds and release it slowly through your mouth. Repeat this several times, eliminating any distractions. Notice how just focusing on each breath can make you feel calmer.

7. Pay attention to constructive thoughts. You can turn negative into more positive. For example, his anger is not just about me; we really love each other; you are under a lot of pressure at work; This too shall pass; Now I’m upset, but I know we’re meant for each other.

8. Choose your words. In the middle of an argument, any of these phrases would be well received by a colleague feeling misunderstood: I may be wrong; stay with me and don’t go away; I see my part in all this; let’s find common ground; I love you and we will work this out.

9. Stay engaged. A gentle touch, eye contact, or a quick hug can release oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding and lowers blood pressure and stress levels. When you’re feeling tense, a moment of affection can help you feel closer, loved, and even more relaxed.

10. Generate emotional dividends. If they characteristically turn toward each other rather than away, the goodwill they build up can provide an emotional cushion. Maintain a reservoir of shared positive feelings, and you can tap into this reservoir of affection in times of conflict.

No matter who you marry, there are bound to be all kinds of differences: family values, cultural background, socioeconomic status, religious traditions. But if you work toward understanding, each can complement and enrich the other.

Chelsea and Marc have attended family vacations together, so they may have already struck up a conversation that includes Christmas trees and Hanukah menorahs. Often it is rituals and family relationships that give meaning to faith. The Clintons have raised Chelsea well and she has supported her parents through difficult times. And Chelsea is a survivor: resilient, transcendent, private, well-balanced, all qualities that can only enhance a marriage that appears to be off to a very good start.

© Your Mentor Center, 2010