I recently received correspondence from a wife who was feeling increasingly distant from her husband. In recent years, she had noticed some changes in her husband. And these were changes she didn’t like very much. She told me that her husband used to be calm and laid back. Today, he was judgmental, uptight, and judgmental. But, every time she tried to mention this to him, he would take offense and walk away from her.

The final straw was when she discovered that her husband had hidden a demotion from her at work. She found out about it from a co-worker’s wife. It had happened months ago, and yet her husband had remained silent about the entire situation. He had lost a few accounts and was apparently in a downward spiral at work, yet he had kept this news that affected both of them to himself. This led the wife to believe that he might be hiding other important things from her. She told me, in part, “I’m not sure I know who this man is anymore. He’s not the man I married. I don’t believe in divorce, but I’m not sure I want to be someone who won’t even be honest with me or share things with me.”

I get asked about situations like this very often. And I don’t fully buy the theory that someone can change who they are overnight or even over long periods of time. Often, I find that the circumstances surrounding that person have changed. And, the person’s reactions to these changing circumstances are sometimes reactions that the other spouse cannot embrace or does not approve of. This does not mean, however, that the husband is a different person and that she no longer knows him. What it means is that her reactions to new and problematic situations seem quite strange to him.

However, in my opinion, this marriage could certainly improve and even survive. This might require some give and take on the part of both spouses. But I didn’t buy the theory that the husband woke up one day as someone else. And actually, this was good news for the wife. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

Looking at Both the Circumstances and the Person: It was very easy and tempting for a wife to focus solely on her husband’s changing personality. But, she had missed the very noticeable changes in her life. The economy had forced them to drastically change their lifestyle, and this had brought many additional worries and pressures. In the last 18 months, a son had been added to her family, and the husband’s mother had been diagnosed with cancer. Due to the economy, the husband had lost many of his sales contracts that the family had relied on. He probably felt very helpless, frustrated and vulnerable as a result.

The wife admitted that all these factors weighed heavily on her husband, but stated that this still did not give him the right to act like a complete stranger. And, she certainly did have a point. But sometimes, if you can see it from your husband’s point of view, you might see the situation a little differently. This can help his perceptions which in turn can help his situation.

See things from the husband’s point of view: I admit that I did not personally know any of the parties involved. But, I have heard of many husbands in this situation. And this is what many of them tell me. They will often say that they see it differently. They’ll say things like, “My wife used to accept me for who I am. In fact, she used to love who I am. Today, she seems to hate the personality traits she loved the most. She just doesn’t see how much pressure I have and how much it weighs on my shoulders. I do the best I can for our family. How much longer am I going to withdraw and see the person she doesn’t like all that much? Am I perfect? ​​Of course not. But I probably would.” a better result if she supported me and tried to help me instead of criticizing me.

Moving on from here: Hopefully, you can see that both spouses have valid points of view. The wife had every right to be concerned about the changes in her husband. But the husband had every right to ask for support instead of criticism. I suggested that the next time the wife wanted to bring up this topic, she could approach it from a place of concern and support instead of a place of criticism. Instead, you could say something like, “I’m noticing some changes in you that hurt and frustrate me, and I’m pretty sure you’re not having the best of times right now either. Is there anything I can do to help or support you right now? I want to lighten your load, but I can’t if you hide things from me, get defensive and critical, and keep me in the dark. I miss the man who used to make me laugh, and I know you miss the woman who supported you without matter anything. Can we do it?” work together so we both get more of what we want?”

Of course, a conversation probably wouldn’t magically change this situation or solve all of the couple’s problems. But a cooperative attitude will often go a long way toward making some improvements. If the husband felt more understood and supportive, he was less likely to be reserved and critical. And once the wife began to see the attributes that she loved and missed so much, it would be easier for her to be supportive. Then the whole cycle would start to feed off of itself in a positive rather than a negative way.